self centered

“at the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~lao tzu

I have had this quote posted as my desktop background for the last 3 weeks. I have seriously contemplated it on occasion, mostly avoided any serious thought. It hits that nerve, the one that tells you to trust your gut and accept the truth. What is the truth, what is that thing that I bury at the back of my sub-conscious waiting to break out? Do I have the answer?

I am one of those people that have many passions. I am artistic and creative, I love to write, read and take on new things. I always start shit and I hardly ever finish it. Here are a couple of examples;

• Green Bay Packer blanket I began crocheting in 1998 is about 10 stripes in and 30 inches long. The DH says he expects to be cremated w/ it at the very least.
• 2 novels started, well into, never finished.
• Baby blanket for my nephew’s 1^st Christmas last December and his 1^st birthday is in 2 days.
• An article for a friends business.

The list goes on. ..

I know who I am and what I want; and dammit I do have the answer! You may wonder why I don’t share it with you. I don’t even share it with myself. It requires that I get past a couple of things first. I need to get off my lazy ass on a regular basis and stop doing everything but what I need to do. I need to admit that I sabotage myself. I need to eliminate the fear.

This is not at all how I expected this post to go. I expected to expound on my new city, Halloween costumes, the rigors of moving, etc. It’s all the same thing though…a giant fear of failure and the fear of success. So soon I promise I will regale you with stories of my babies, my new home, my community and anything else you care not to know. Right now I need to get what I want by being who I am because I do have the answer.

confessions of a serial procrastinator...

My goodness, I swear I wasn't drinking when I took the photo in my previous post. I will leave it up however as a testament to my temporary insanity. The truth is that I have to straighten up now, fly right so to speak. It is crunch time and if I am completely honest with you internet and myself, then...

My stress is a monster of my own creation. I am a class act procrastinator. I don't set out to Not get things done. I am a master of self distraction. I will just read one more chapter, which turns into devouring a novel in one go. I will just watch this one re-run episode, only to discover it's a 4 hour marathon, 4 hours later. Hey kids you want to do an art project? These are just the tip of the iceberg.

I know that I have touched on this topic before, but I feel that I need to say it out loud again. I need to be held responsible for my lack of action. I have asked DH to kick my ass about it but that hasn't worked at all. It turns out that I become a total bitch when he points out my lack. This must be totally confusing to him too as I asked him to point such out. So I turn to you dear readers. I know that you are there and you may be few in number but I want your silently judging thoughts to be just that.

I do not have an uncharmed life but if I do not find a way to motivate my ass I fear it will become one. I try to understand how I could work a corporate job for 40++ hours per week and give it may all and then give my Real life shit. Here you go dear husband and kids an giant pile of steaming crap.

I can see that the DH is beyond stressed at this point. We move to Cali in little over 2 weeks and we are not ready. Everything takes longer than you think, so at this point it looks like we will not be ready (especially with my track record). That, it turns out, is just not acceptable. Not now, not ever again.

Something inside of me has to click and it has to be today. There are no more free passes, no more tomorrows, no more I'll get to that in 15 more minutes. I swear to all that is, if I come back here and write one more post about my own procrastination that I will kick my own ass. It'll be like that scene in fight club and my only excuse then is that I will be bloody and broken.

Thank you for sitting through that & since you were kind enough to read through to the end I will give you the immeasurable treat of this picture of my lovely children.

lovely in Chicago.

PLGC- faithful lurkers everywhere.