Everything is GIANT!

Sitting here in this space, cat to the right, husband to the righter, right.  Chillin with Paul Luftenegger in the sound realm.  The Giants just took the pennant!  This means the 3rd World Series appearance in the 5 years we've been in the Bay.  It is such an amazing, energetic experience especially with the Winks in the mix.  Things are feeling Bright & Right!

It feels a little silly to be having so much fun, but isn't that the point.  My blogs are intermittent for you and world changing for me.  I might just be putting this out there to keep my own self in check, but it is working.."it's WORKING, stubbick, stubbick!"  (insert starwars episode 1 flashback here).  If i screwed the pooch on that one, well then my winks and the HD are the family nerds,  I'm living through osmosis.

On that note y'all, peace, love and soft fuzzy orange cats.

Hella East Bay Y'all!

AS

Growing up y'all

It's been a while, and the road to hell... ES just started her own blog today.  Sixth grade apparently changes shit up, a whole fucking lot!  I'm impressed, disturbed, impressed and really feeling out of my technological element all at the same time.

This kid right here, my Melly B, she slays me.  Her reality consists of dystopian realities created by young adult authors, translated into multi social media platforms that I have yet to understand.  My Winks are getting there and really, really fast! Well y'all I guess it truly is...

Peace, Love and the Left Coast.  

Hella East Bay y'all!

AS

looking forward...

Here I am, so far away from where I started.  Just so y'all know I am working my way back into writing/blogging/sharing.  I had some shit to deal with in the meantime and now... I'm on to the next one.  I will meet y'all back here soon I can't wait!

to the beat y'all

Happy Birthday to me…38.  Yup on the back end of some thirties, feeling like I’m 45 and looking like I’m 29.  Genetics, rock it, roll it, believe it!  This is my New Year’s Eve.  This is the day that I decide what comes next.  Got some new music loaded up on the iTunes.  Got some homemade cake & In n Out in my belly.  Got a 7 & 9 year old who drive me crazy, make me happy and help me channel my inner silly.  38 Y’all that’s what it is, that’s where it’s at.  Expect more to come from this mommy.  Things have been Harry Carey and dry, but the fountain is flowing and I think this twenty-thirteen shit is gonna be FUN! As always PLGC…out-

far from home...confessions of a bad conversation

today has been, well..a day.  yup that kind of day.  the kind where things go a little sideways and then you end up yelling at your mama.  my mama lives far away in a land called oklahoma, and here i am in cali-forn-ia.  the last time she saw my wee turtles they were 5 and 7.  it was a short visit, we were there for a funeral. they are 7 and 10 now. that's NOT how i want them to remember her.  i don't have a lot of extra cash but i can scrape up a plane ticket.  i just want her here, for my kiddos.  oh i miss her too, but that ship sailed awhile ago.  my turtles however deserve grand-parental love!  feeling a little selfish on behalf of family, feeling a little guilty for working too much and just plain missing my mama.  too bad i came off like a bitch during that conversation. 

It's been a long long long time...no commas..no caps

free floating free forum periods only. no commas no caps.  you missed me? probably not.   i did not miss me.  it has been one giant sh!& hole full of sh....shhhhh...no realy fricken shhhhhhhhhhhh.

crazy mazy flipping it corporate and homemade all at the same time.  i can't even tell y'all what i'm talkin about.  i can't cain't ain't gonna do it.

key words; kids. husband. husband. marriage..fidelity..love love love love love that man. mom...whoa really mom.. in the words of my 9 year old. wow ((all caps)) in a cap free world.  6 year old..competitive..moody..mother fricken 6!!  work.rent.babysitters.

anyway y'all.  apply your own story here because it is way more fun to do it that way.  more soon from the mc in the ec ..ca

peace love and mother fricken hecka becoming east bay y'all

Treasure & Gratitude

I think my last post came across a little more negatively than I intended. Sleep deprivation and stress can make something very clear to you and then you reread what you've written. So I'll own it, all of it, the negativity and the point that I was really only trying to get across to myself.

Life has been one heck of an adventure these days. I have recently forayed back in to the land of the working mother and it has been quite the challenge. I love my new job but I do not love childcare. Making childcare arrangements specifically! I don't even spend this much money on myself y'all! It has been hard being away from the kiddos so much too and HD! The adventure is spinning past in high speed and I am holding on tight.

On another note I spent the night before last at the emergency room with Embea until midnight. She has a spider bite. It is starting to look a little worse so we're off to get antibiotics and see our pediatrician today. The funny thing is we had a blast! We read books, drew pictures and played hangman. I take my quality interactions where I can and time with my girl always lifts me up!

Both kiddos have adjusted fairly quickly and I think they are behaving pretty well. I am definitely the recipient of more hugs these days and I love the way the jump up and down saying, "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" the minute I walk through the door! That's why I do it, strap on my work boots everyday and head out into the land of the working woman. I want them to feel secure and to be able to be happy kiddos! I am very blessed that I was able to spend most of the summer off with them, we had a grand time.

So there it is in a nutshell and none of it quite so bad. I really am trying to have a positive outlook every day. I am putting my intentions out there and I am getting results. I am ready for more good things to come into my life and I am very grateful for my husband, my children, my family, friends and every other wacky thing in between. So if my last post seemed vent-a-licious, it was. Sometimes you got to get the junk out to allow more space for the treasures.

PLGC & alot of gratitude for any of you who take the time to stop in an read my random musings.

MC -out

Everybody Poops...

There is a battle that goes on in my mind and with my emotions. I want to be able to feel what I am feeling and act on that. The emotion takes over like a drug filling up my every fiber. Things go haywire, the adrenaline pounds I know, KNOW what I am feeling. Feelings, are they fact or fiction? We walk a fine line day to day in the words we say, the way we act and our final actions involved in those acts. Dar Williams puts it quite nicely ala her Yoko Ono song…” Who am I what is art?”

Who am, I what is Reality!!?? It is the crazy trip and tumble down a rocky path. We scrape our elbows, break our bones and take out any other being in our path. What is it about human nature that leads us to hurt others? Why do we do the stupid things that we do? By the way I just want to wrap the previous sentence up in a pile of doodoo!!

That’s all this is y’all, a bit o’ pomp and circumstance wrapped up tightly in whatever lie we tell ourselves in the moment. It seems that we and by we I mean me, you, err’ fucking body… So what is the lie of the moment that we use to loathe ourselves, the lie that makes us think we are less? We like to throw shit bombs on the porches of our existence.

What have you thrown lately? Me I like to lob them left, right, North and South. The truth is this. It is all shit when you boil it down. If we take a minute to love ourselves and place even one tiny positive thought toward the general vicinity of our lives then things start changing. Sure crappy things still happen, but it’s what you do with the crap that counts. Everybody poops.

Me I am tired of getting bogged down in the muck of my own emotions. I am tired of not taking a step back and then moving 5 steps ahead. I know that it can be done, I do!! My life is just south of Hell right now but just north of being quite alright. I think too much, I feel too hard, I want real, real bad!

Yet in all of this my positives are rearing their positive little heads. I am seeing my light and it is mine. I can’t change you. I can’t change those I love. I can’t even change my 7 year old’s mind when she has it made, but… I can change me. I can affect the things in my thoughts. I can feel my emotions, own them and make informed decisions.

Sure I will admit that half, okay 89.95 percent of the time I just want to wallow, pout, shout and cry. I want to feel sad, be sorry and stay stuck. If I am stuck who’s gonna get me out? If my stuck is sticking you or others that I love, how in the heck am I gonna get out? The bars are thick but they ain’t locked.

They are NOT locked. Stay positive, think positive, live Fucking strong! Yeah all the pretty little euphemisms make me want to puke a little in the back of my mouth too. Yet there might be something to all this positivity. I may be down, low low down but… I am seeing something that wasn’t there before. I wanna drink, cry, hit, pinch, bitch, moan, wallow, wallow, wallow. That’s just not working for me anymore.

It is time to wake up and take a mother fucking whiff of the roses. “Missy is the poo, so take a big whiff!”

PLGC to all of those I have offended and to those of y’all that get me, just a lil bit!

Consideration of Gratitude

reflections on a day...

Along the path we lose our way. Bush and bramble impede us, slowly impatience sets in.
Impatience quickly turns to anger which quickly becomes bitter. We are set upon by fear and move along on a swift binge of self destruction. Little by little our smiles are more forced, then faked, then gone.

Yet...

All it takes is a consideration of gratitude. One moment of thankfulness leads to another. This moment and the next bring a smile to your face. You begin to self reflect. You start to purge the bad habits and choices. You find patience setting in. A path is cleared in front of you. You find that your way was right there in front of you all along.

PLGC loverly internets!

-out

important things...

Sometimes we let life pass us by in a haze of disconnection. Suddenly our children are older, taller, smarter, no longer babies. You find yourself trying to recall the last week, the last month, the last year. Songs are written about how much you will miss this, landslides bring us down.

Tonight EB & I went well past bedtime to hang out and watch Akeelah & the Bee. Sharing this time with her, I realized how often as a parent that I don't listen to my kid. I get so wrapped up in my own emotions and stress that I forget that she is living this life right along with me. She has experiences in her world separate from me, that I take for granted. So I took advantage of some much needed time with my daughter. Hang bedtime, hang the dishes, hang mommy time after the kids are asleep!

We snuggled up on the couch and finished the movie, just her and I. Then as I tucked her into bed I realized she needs more than this, (more than a movie and a soda pop, more than a kiss goodnight see ya in the morning light). So I kissed her and then I told her how beautifully amazing she was. I told her that she was smart, funny and that she could do anything in the world.

As I whispered long overdue encouragements into my daughter's ear I saw her light shine. Her smile grew and her eyes crinkled in just the right way. I looked down and I was so totally and completely in love with my child. I had an instant memory of nursing her when she was just a few days old and how I used to call her my wise little ancient Japanese man. This is how she looked to me then and now, like a monk bestowing infinite wisdom if only I were open enough to receive it. As the words of my song enveloped us both I found peace in that moment. Her eyes drifted shut and her mouth stayed smiling. She is mine and I did not miss this.

I may be waxing philosophical and slightly poetic, but that is why I write here after all. I am going to miss these moments when they are gone. However I will not miss them because I let them pass me by, I will miss them because I took the time to have them. The images of my days old daughter and my seven year old daughter will meld and grow as time passes.

If we take the time to truly listen to our children, to truly experience them and love them for the amazing beings that they are, then we are truly blessed. As adults we weild the power to help shape our child's future, to boost their confidences, to help them live fearlessly and in complete and total love. It is easy to get caught up in the business of being an adult, just one more minute, mommy needs to do this thing or that, yada yada yada. So tonight take a moment, truly and without your own baggage look at your children. Love your children for the amazing beings that they are and will become. Trust me, you will be happy that you did. "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back."

CB & EB digging holes, mama Loves you!

Peace, Love and Green Chile...MC -out

diggin' on crazy.

So anyone interested in obtaining a 4 year old, as is? He has a tendency to growl, yell, talk back, spit, kick you in the shin and run away. He also gives the most amazing heart wrenching hugs and says I love you at least a 100 times a day. Hmmmmmm. On second thought I think I'll keep him. I really do love those hugs.

just look at that smile...

I think back to two years ago when EB was the same age and I don't quite remember This. My little guy & I are together all day long everyday and there are a lot of meltdowns. There are a lot of good times too. He reminds me to play, to have fun. He also gets me damn mad, but I am learning what a gift patience is.

EB is pushing different sorts of buttons these days as well. She will be 7 in two weeks but you'd think she was turning 30. She knows everything, no really just ask her. She has perfected the blank stare and talking back under her breath. I had really hoped I had a few more years before that started to happen. I can't wait until she perfects the eye roll. I was really good at the eye roll, still am, just ask my mother. EB is turning into such a beautiful young lady and the remnants of my baby girl are fading away.

me & my little lady...

I'm not complaining, I kinda dig this crazy ride. I do have a few things in my day that get me through the rough patches. Mommy time outs help. Art, books, exercise and love helps. I have developed a bit of a texting habit. I am online a bit too much. It's like having an instant support team at my whim. I really like late night glasses of wine after the kids are tucked in. Their love helps.

All in all when I start to feel down, when I get a little blue I think about all of those good things and I have a little gratitude. My B-I-L says it best, "Monster through the day and have gratitude not attitude!" He's right. I have wonderful people in my life who love and support me and I have an amazing little family. They drive me effing nuts sometimes but I love them.

...and I am thankful for you, my few lingering readers who stick around for the crazy.

Peace, Love, Green Chile and Gratitude,

MC -out

Uhm hello again 2010, I see your still here.

Hello dear internets. I know that lately I have treated you much like an old pair of shoes. You know the pair, they looked so good on the shelf but never quite fit with any outfit you've ever owned. Yeah that's you and this is me and maybe just maybe I found the right outfit.

I'd love to say that I have spent all of this time bettering my spirit and accomplishing all of those big things that I promised you in my post before last. Some of those things are true. I have have delved into a journey of discovering myself. To tell the truth my dears that journey has led me down a few deep dark holes and I have been clamoring to get out. Lets get brutally honest here, since that's pretty much the point. You and I both know that I love to use this blog as a good swift kick in my own ass. I mean I look kind of funny spinning around my living room trying to reach it and this is much more cathartic for me.

I suck! I am right now Mrs. Sucky McSuckerson of McSuckerville. Yup that's me. There is a pile of clean laundry that has been lying around for I won't tell you how long. My children are watching too much T.V. and playing too many video games. I have sequestered my self in this house with said children, letting them do too much of all the wrong things over the period of a week in early February. My dining room table is covered in crap that doesn't go there and there are dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. This is not me, this is not who I am.

So there are the things that have fallen to the wayside. Yes I know they are all completely fixable and yes they will all be tasks checked off my to do list well before Friday. So my point? I just thought y'all should know that it isn't always home-cooked meals and jelly donuts in Casa de Caliente.

On that note I have quite snapped out of whatever funk I may have been in. I thank y'all dearly for allowing lil' ole me to vent and confess just a little. So I can hear you all asking yourselves So what is GOOD with MC these days. (oh you weren't asking?) Well I don't care because if you've read this far, chances are you'll keep reading and find out.

I am once again in possession of my beloved Mommy Mobile and she, the kids and I have been stepping out. Sure we spent three days in a row at the same beach park, but we had good times.

My kids are in a T.V. and video game recovery program and I am watching episodes of Hoarders on demand to ensure that I do not become one. I decided to do a week long vegetarian detox over two weeks ago and have recently received my copy of The Kind Diet from Amazon. Don't worry I haven't yet forced my carnivorous clan to join in my craze. I have begun an exercise program with Tracy Anderson (well the free webisode until i decide whether or not to order the DVD). I have seriously committed to Thinking about starting running again. I have joined a lovely teleseminar that has really given me a lot of food for thought.

There is new music in my world and it makes me happy. I am reading things beside those old beat up romance novels I lugged along with me from NM. I am thoroughly enjoying my family. My children are turning into phenomenal little metropolitan beings. I am learning to be more independent while HD is out working his full time job and earning his Masters degree.

So those are the things going on in my world in a nutshell. I can't tell you all of my secrets dear internet but those are a few. I can say for certain that my outlook has lifted. I plan on posting much more often and I hope to provide you with a modicum of entertainment value. You can join me for my journey as vegetarian in a meat eating family. There will be recipes, there will be disasters. We'll get candid about the different ways 4 & 6 year old can talk back and how MC is coping with that. You'll discover how and where we fit in family time. I think this is gonna be quite a year my dears.

Peace, Love, Green Chile & Taco Trucks (PLGCTT)

Mamacita -out

Frustration into Fruition & over it...

Once upon a day...

I woke up and ran to Safeway for some coffee because we were out. Out of freaking coffee! Day two of tea was not really gonna be an option, after all I am a United State-ian. My favorite roast from peerless is French roast, so at this point I just need some Effin caffeine!

I digress.

So today was the BIG day. The day where we visit the brand-spanking new Ophthalmologist for EmBea's 4th follow up for her anisometropic amblyopia. Today was apparently a time to delve into the chaos of an over booked Eye Doctor's office.

We signed in, paid our co-pay, checked in with the Optometric technician, had Em's glasses assessed for the script and were assigned to room 3. Our lovely Ophthalmologist was very thorough. She determined that Em's old Rx was obsolete and also that she had developed astigmatism. Many eye drops were administered to dilate EmBea's eyes. She cried, she screamed and I held her eyelids open, Ala clockwork orange. This truly and completely sucked and felt cruel beyond all reason...

Cut to being told that our insurance did not cover refraction. (refraction=the final step of looking at the eyes after dilation -aka all of those effin drops) and that we could skip out or pay an additional $65. I am not a tortuous mommy, I paid up. Then the "primary" O.D. comes in. She then says OH..oh we need to refer you to a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. WTH, seriously what the fricken heck..That is where I thought we were.

Lesson learned. When entering a new state of residence with an amblyopic child ask, ASK..are you a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. Do NOT ask; do you treat children with Amblyopia? If they can, they will say yes and you will find yourself being charged above and beyond your budgeted co-pay.

So am I down, am I upset, am I pissed the eff off? NO. I was a earlier today when I barraged my DH with frantic texts. Now, I am not. It was the honest mistake of a Mama of an Amblyopic child who had thus far had an "easy go". I will never again take for granted the lack of bedside manner of our Doc in Albuquerque.

My advice to any Mama planning a move; double and triple check with your insurance as to what may or may not be covered. Double and triple check with the office that you choose that they cover your child. Pediatric seemed to be the key word in my experience.

Other than that...

I have moved forward. I have a plan, a new Rx for my wee turtle and a fricken positive attitude. We will see the new Pediatric OD soon and EmBea will be wearing her fab new script. We'll rock, Rap and roll with the flow. Until then we are Patching Strong, 4 hours per day and looking to improve even more. Our progress from March 2009 to now..20/200 to 20/60. I have faith and belief that we will succeed and my daughter will beat Amblyopia.

Thanks for allowing me to vent dear internet.

Peace, Love, green Chile and a Taco truck in Oakland.

-out

One Day...

Well it has been a while since I have had an urge to blog. I have enjoyed meandering through the blogiverse finding humor, tragedy, hope and a few things in between. It is strange to be on a journey such as this. I am quickly approaching the age of no return, 35. one month give a couple of days and there I will be, on that precipice of the other side of 30.

I have made big changes this last year. We have moved from the Mountain time zone to the PST without pause. Things seem to be moving in fast forward and slow motion all at the same time. I feel as if I have lived here all of my life. I feel like a stranger in a place I have never before been. I feel like having an adventure. I am on a great adventure!

As I peruse the aisle of preventative aging, my six year old by my side, I realize it is not vanity but necessity that I start to care for my vessel a bit more than I have in the past. As I browse 5k runs in the Bay area I find myself looking instead at the 12k. Why not push it to that next level? As I register my youngest for kindergarten I think, this is it, the beginning anew!

2010, twenty-ten, two thousand ten!! “I’m a driver, I’m a winner, things are gonna change, I can feel it.”

Peace, Love, Taco Trucks, Green Chile and so much more…

Oh and check this out….makes me happy :)(:

-out

self centered

“at the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~lao tzu

I have had this quote posted as my desktop background for the last 3 weeks. I have seriously contemplated it on occasion, mostly avoided any serious thought. It hits that nerve, the one that tells you to trust your gut and accept the truth. What is the truth, what is that thing that I bury at the back of my sub-conscious waiting to break out? Do I have the answer?

I am one of those people that have many passions. I am artistic and creative, I love to write, read and take on new things. I always start shit and I hardly ever finish it. Here are a couple of examples;

• Green Bay Packer blanket I began crocheting in 1998 is about 10 stripes in and 30 inches long. The DH says he expects to be cremated w/ it at the very least.
• 2 novels started, well into, never finished.
• Baby blanket for my nephew’s 1^st Christmas last December and his 1^st birthday is in 2 days.
• An article for a friends business.

The list goes on. ..

I know who I am and what I want; and dammit I do have the answer! You may wonder why I don’t share it with you. I don’t even share it with myself. It requires that I get past a couple of things first. I need to get off my lazy ass on a regular basis and stop doing everything but what I need to do. I need to admit that I sabotage myself. I need to eliminate the fear.

This is not at all how I expected this post to go. I expected to expound on my new city, Halloween costumes, the rigors of moving, etc. It’s all the same thing though…a giant fear of failure and the fear of success. So soon I promise I will regale you with stories of my babies, my new home, my community and anything else you care not to know. Right now I need to get what I want by being who I am because I do have the answer.

Bea's Adventures in Amblyopia

Another guest post at Amblyopia Kids dot com...

Check it out...

Check out my Guest Blog at Amblyopia Kids :)

I have always relied on the kindness of strangers...

Ok, so that is not the slightest bit true and I am definitely not Blanche Dubois. I am however relying on a little help from my friends. As a 30-something grownup I admit I am not the best friend sorta of friend. I prefer to keep them long distance and have self admittedly fallen victim to facebook. I find in the long run, as with most things, it is the quality not the quantity that counts.

Good grief I am a walking talking cliche slinging terror tonight. You can just tell grammar to take one up the a$ right now, because I am not in the mood. Anyway, back to the point at hand... As you know We have recently moved our family (1 cat, 2 kids, 2 adults) to California from NM. We do not have a place to call our own just yet but we do have friends. I have known Buckeye for the same 16 years I have known my husband and his wife Fargo for half of that. In friend terms that calculates to a long fucking time. I have not always been the best of friends but we all do what we can.

We are now living in buckeye and fargo's house. Graciously, tumultuously, wonderfully, fabulously, easy! WTF, wtf!! I mean I am scared shitless that I may step on a toe or two. I am freaked out that I am relying on people whom I have occasionally managed to blow off. The amazing thing is that everything is just fine. It is working out with a modicum of ease. Shit man, the 21 hours of driving must be making me delirious.

I truly feel like I am at a 24 hour slumber party. Okay, so maybe not 24 hours, because I have to sleep and be a wife and mom in there somewhere. All in all it is a pretty fucking awesome gig. So back to the beginning...

I guess what I am trying to say to B & F is THANKS, and I told y'all I would say it so many times it would make you sick. However this blog is dedicated to YOU! Here is me, in all of my obscurity on the Internet saying YOU EFFIN ROCK. (p.s. i think I have dropped enough sailor talk for 1 post) I Love Y'all, we could not do it without you.

Peace, Love and Tacos! PL&T families on the move & the friends that help them along the way.

a picture is worth a thousand words...

aka...why i haven't blogged latley.

on the way to Barstow day 1

on the way to the East Bay day 2

PLGC (peace love & green Chile) all my New Mexi-peeps

And PL&T (peace love and tacos) all my soon to be Bay area Peeps!

thanks to my brother-in-law who...

reminds me to Keep it Positive.

Looking back over my last few posts I think they have taken on more of a negative tone than I like. I seem to be manifesting the mediocre as of late. Well, that just won't do.

I don't find myself to be an overly mystical sort of gal but I do have the inherent belief that thoughts are things. I loved The Secret because it pointed out to me how often I tend to think of things in the wrong way. I really do focus my efforts on what is not happening in my life. Here is what IS happening & what I have to be grateful for;

• we are moving to NorCal East Bay area in 2 weeks.
• my husband has a job to transfer with, which lends a sense of stability to our lives.
• we have a pair of very lovely friends who are allowing us to share their living space while we search out one of our own.
• we are spending less than we are saving right now, which may not be much, but I have faith in the mama & papa dollar theory from "It's a Wonderful Life".
• our family unit has a unique strength and sense of love & togetherness.
• we have two lovely little beings in our life that give us the motivation to make this work.
• my DH is going back to school for his masters in a field he is passionate about.
• I Love my husband with all of my heart & soul, he is my best friend. (a bit old fashioned but there it is)
• we have reconnected with family in a remarkable way.
• we have been blessed with a support network of family and friends.
• we have our health.

I know that I do not stop and take the time to be grateful for the good things in my life. It is so easy to get caught up in what is going wrong and to stray into more negativity. It is hard for me to take a closer look at my faults but when I do I find that there is not anything there that I cannot overcome.

This post is not overly witty. There is no hidden snark and I haven't even dropped the F-bomb once. I know that there are those of you who look forward to that type of post. Do not be discouraged, I have plenty of the funny and downright ridiculous left in me yet. Today, however, I want to focus on Keeping it Positive. That's all that you can do in the end.

I took a silly FaceBook quiz 2 days a go that I didn't publish because as I said, it was silly. It was something like; "what is your life quote?". At the time I thought, are you kidding me that is so overused & so generic. In retrospect, I kinda like it.

"When fate hands you a lemon, make lemonade" ~Dale Carnegie

PLGC- to everyone keeping it positive.