There is a battle that goes on in my mind and with my emotions. I want to be able to feel what I am feeling and act on that. The emotion takes over like a drug filling up my every fiber. Things go haywire, the adrenaline pounds I know, KNOW what I am feeling. Feelings, are they fact or fiction? We walk a fine line day to day in the words we say, the way we act and our final actions involved in those acts. Dar Williams puts it quite nicely ala her Yoko Ono song…” Who am I what is art?”
Who am, I what is Reality!!?? It is the crazy trip and tumble down a rocky path. We scrape our elbows, break our bones and take out any other being in our path. What is it about human nature that leads us to hurt others? Why do we do the stupid things that we do? By the way I just want to wrap the previous sentence up in a pile of doodoo!!
That’s all this is y’all, a bit o’ pomp and circumstance wrapped up tightly in whatever lie we tell ourselves in the moment. It seems that we and by we I mean me, you, err’ fucking body… So what is the lie of the moment that we use to loathe ourselves, the lie that makes us think we are less? We like to throw shit bombs on the porches of our existence.
What have you thrown lately? Me I like to lob them left, right, North and South. The truth is this. It is all shit when you boil it down. If we take a minute to love ourselves and place even one tiny positive thought toward the general vicinity of our lives then things start changing. Sure crappy things still happen, but it’s what you do with the crap that counts. Everybody poops.
Me I am tired of getting bogged down in the muck of my own emotions. I am tired of not taking a step back and then moving 5 steps ahead. I know that it can be done, I do!! My life is just south of Hell right now but just north of being quite alright. I think too much, I feel too hard, I want real, real bad!
Yet in all of this my positives are rearing their positive little heads. I am seeing my light and it is mine. I can’t change you. I can’t change those I love. I can’t even change my 7 year old’s mind when she has it made, but… I can change me. I can affect the things in my thoughts. I can feel my emotions, own them and make informed decisions.
Sure I will admit that half, okay 89.95 percent of the time I just want to wallow, pout, shout and cry. I want to feel sad, be sorry and stay stuck. If I am stuck who’s gonna get me out? If my stuck is sticking you or others that I love, how in the heck am I gonna get out? The bars are thick but they ain’t locked.
They are NOT locked. Stay positive, think positive, live Fucking strong! Yeah all the pretty little euphemisms make me want to puke a little in the back of my mouth too. Yet there might be something to all this positivity. I may be down, low low down but… I am seeing something that wasn’t there before. I wanna drink, cry, hit, pinch, bitch, moan, wallow, wallow, wallow. That’s just not working for me anymore.
It is time to wake up and take a mother fucking whiff of the roses. “Missy is the poo, so take a big whiff!”
PLGC to all of those I have offended and to those of y’all that get me, just a lil bit!