Uncle Buck

My mind is fired, hard wired to buck the system and then some. I try to get along, try to do things right, keep shit tight. It ain't workin' for me, I ain't workin' for me, gotta get it. I gotta fix my head or I'm headed straight for Hell, but I am already there, no care. No worry. No hurry.

so I wrote this on a...

blog that only family members have access to. Is it mean? I truly want your opinion internet. (p.s. if I have NOT posted your comments in some time, get a Clue, I am not asking you!!)

So I'd really like to say something monumentally astounding, et all and all of that. The truth is this is just Bebo and not my life's work. So then I have to ask myself what is my life's work and am I truly working on it? I know that this blog is completely lacking a serial comma and I am ok with that. If'n y'all don't know what I am talkin' about, please don't bother.

i know i've been mean internet...

but, I could really use some advice. Tonight I took BG to ballet class. Keep in mind this is a class of 4-5 year olds at 5:15 in the evening after a day at kindergarten. The first thing the teacher did was to bring out the naughty Hula Hoop (just what it sounds like, aka the hula hoop of confinement). This is how she starts the class. I watched the entire time and BG acted out exactly once and it was mild at best. The teacher proceeded to move them to the corner and lecture my daughter. She was pointing and her face was very angry. She then came out of the class and lectured the parents to review the rules, as she does not have an assistant and cannot possibly be bothered to have Fucking Fun!

I have left a message for the school director to call me back. I am ready at this point to pull her from the school. I don't see the point if she isn't having fun. It's called Pre-Ballet for goodness sake. Also I don't remember anything in the curriculum about disciplinary actions. What do you all think, am I overreacting? Feel free to chime in internet, feel free.

The Lecture to myself, aka- take your own advice STUPID!!

Sometimes I think I am too busy giving advice to others. The truth is; it is time to kick my own butt and take the advice that I hand out. I am 33 and young enough to know that I am not even a small semblance of old. Time to take this puppy to another level!!

Don't stop following your dreams, the old cliche "it is hard to see the forest for the trees" is one that holds insurmountable truth. I think we get wrapped up in what "IS" our reality and forget that we had other ideas in the first place. In the end nothing holds us back but ourselves.

The excuses like; lack of money, depression, not enough time are just that. In the end no excuse is the truth, because if you don't try to follow your dreams, then nothing will ever become of them. They will become bitter regrets that color your present, dissolve your future and then you are just living in a non-existent past.

I am talking to myself here. sometimes if I blog my own lecture I can see it more clearly. So MC it is time, it is now and every minute you don't move forward stagnates and decays the life that you are living.

16 days into training camp and...

Brett Favre is no longer a Packer. The saga is over. He played his hand and I am not quite sure it was a good one. I have been up and down about the whole fiasco, as my husband is a die-hard Packer Backer. I think that we are both glad it is over and now he has a new AFC fave. Me? I am all about Baltimore baby!!

Overboard

A couple of beers and some other factors lead you to things like the last post. I am not sorry. I just need to think of more creative ways to use my vocabulary. Even I get bored with the F-word. The thing is I really can't use it around the house, lest I get judged on my next trip to the grocery store. Stay tuned, it could get interesting. Or I could drop off the planet for another bit. PLGC.

Baller

I am thinking that you have the wrong idea. You don't know me and you never will. I truly don't give a fuck if I piss you off, or if you read my fucking blog. I don't do this shit for you. I am starting to think that I should take a clue from one Rockstar and blow this pop stand. Mommy blogs are great to read, but I am bored as shit with writing one.

Anyway, how about Brett Favre? What?! don't you bitches know it's Football Season!

blog, log, tog, frog, jog, smog, enough said.

I started a blog, it sucked, I hit delete, the end. I guess I won't be investing in the "i blog" bumper sticker any time soon. I really wanted one of those.

PLGC -out

the one where she goes off on a tangent and then comes back.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do when I grow up. Now, I know what you are thinking, I'm 33, two kids under the age of 5, married with a "good" job. That is pretty much the epitome of grown up territory. That just doesn't satisfy me.

I know I should settle into the way things are and push forward from there. In ten years I could have another 10,000 added to my income. The truth is that I just don't care. I want to be sensational, phenomenal, amazing, great! I don't want my kids to remember me as a hard working Mom who provided. I want them to remember that they were loved beyond all reason and that Mom followed her dreams. I want them to dream.

I read a quote the other day (and I am probably going to slaughter it ), that went something like this>> "Don't make fun of people for their dreams, because without dreams they'd have nothing"

The problem is that I have a whole lot of dreams. Which one do I pick how do I focus? I think that I am not the only one who faces this issue. I think as we age, and grow physically and emotionally everything we strive for changes. I just don't fit in to the perfect nuclear family mold.

I think in these days of rising prices and political unrest I am more equipped than most to move forward and handle my life. I just don't want to do it in the fashion laid out before me. I know some will call me selfish, some will say that I should sacrifice. Sacrifice what? My ideals, my values, the things in my make-up that bring out the good? I have sacrificed, I do not eat when it will feed my children, I work a job that mentally and emotionally drains me. What do I have left to give my children and husband. Words said out of stress and anger from the things I cannot control.

That is a tangent that leads down a long negative train of thoughts. Those are the things I am ready to sacrifice. I want to wad up all the negativity and fear and chuck it as far as I can, then run and grab it and smash it into smithereens. I think that fear is my biggest obstacle. The truth is, and I have said it before>> I am not dead if I still wake up in the morning, so why not make the best out of that.

So back round to the point. What do I want to be when I grow up? I know this, I want to Shine like the Sun!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Some Sunday before the haircut.

because i said so.

So circa 1992, me, my my Mom (hummingbird) and my sister (panda) went to a Crystal Gayle concert. Not only was she the sister of Loretta Lynne, but she had another sister who sang duets. So at that concert I was your classic 1990-something Albuquerque skater girl. you know, floral print body suit, snap at the crotch and WAY TOO baggy pants, ala my boyfriend Tito. Internet I am sharing a truth here. My boy friend's name was in fact. Tito.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought. I worked, and have a co-worker who is about to send me off the deep end, It is kind of like Mommy Law BITCH!! "BeCause I SaiD SO DAMMIT! So folks I cried a bit to night, but I am apparently back on my game, so.
-PLCG out.

Photo Friday #1

mean girls

So the grieving process, yeah me and you internet are not gonna talk about that so much. So anyway...

I was flipping through the late night options, you know; food network, discovery channel, animal planet. Then I stumbled onto this. Is it just me or is Denise Richards exactly as you'd imagined she'd be?

Did you know that the following about an American Toad's lifespan?

"In the wild most American toads probably don't survive more than a year or two. The majority die before transforming from tadpoles into toadlets. However, they are capable of living much longer. Some toads have lived longer than 10 years in the wild. There is a documented account of a captive toad that lived to the ripe old age of 36 and was killed by mistake."
(Dickerson, 1906; Harding, 1997; Oliver, 1955)

Still watching the train wreck that is Denise...

So anyone out there ever been through the terrible twos? My son has me at my wits end. He "hates" this and that and me and tv and broccoli and,,and,,and. Don't get me started on pedialyte, as it truly spawned the "i hate" phase.

Rest in Peace

Are you walking now? What do you think? I love you little brother. Thank you for all that you brought into my life, a piece of my heart goes with you.

my name is MC and i approve this message.

I sit in front of my laptop holding breakfast cereal. yup, that's how I roll. I am not exactly eating it, just reading the box. I am not ashamed to say that this has been an obsession of mine since childhood. I am a fan of breakfast cereal on the whole. Add fresh fruit or a smoothie and it is oh-so-good for you, uber enriched heaven.

Did I really just have a cereal tangent? What about the serial comma? What is your take on the whole chicken versus the egg thing?

please internet distract me with your anecdotal wit. no really just blather on about amoebas even.

and the beat goes on.

Dinner conversation;

Her: "Mom when I grow up besides a golfer and ballet teacher and a dentist. I start thinking about houses and I think I'm never gonna move out"
Me: "Out of mommy and daddy's house?"

Her: "Yes!"

Boy: "When I grow up, I'm gonna drive dad's car!!"

Us: Dumbfounded but cracking the hell up.

So there you have it my evening in a nutshell, I could stop right here in this moment. The agreement, the calm, the Oh wait he's hitting his sister again...

in my skin.

The stress levels have been high this week. I am too broke to go to Wild Oats or the Co-Op so I hit the Wal-Mart for some Hyland's Nerve Tonic. Don't judge, Wal-Mart just fits my budget, and I really do need to feed my kids. The Jenny-O ground turkey is a buck fifty eight a pound. You cannot go wrong, anyhoo...

Work has had me up to my eyeballs in the whole mess of trying to figure things out, solve problems, and remain in control. The truth "I am the Master of my own Universe". I can remain calm approach the issue and decide how I am going to handle it, whether that be asking for help or freaking out. So I move forward and choose to forgo the freaking out part.

Since we are speaking so candidly internet, I am feeling selfish. I am at the height of the busiest week I am bound to have this year, as far as work is concerned and my brother is on his death bed. I am so selfish that I thought, please just hold on through this week. I take it back.

I saw my brother tonight, it has been a week or two and he looked so different. His face scrunched in pain just trying to swallow. His flesh seemed molded to his bones like a badly mis-stretched canvas showing every imperfection, every malformation. He is dying. He truly is.

It is a very challenging life growing up with a mentally and physically handicapped brother. Cerebral Palsy doesn't begin to capture the extent of what cards he has actually been dealt. It is the closest diagnosis that the Doctors' could come up with I think. I perused through pictures with my mom, and I saw the difference. The disability has always been there, but so had the health and happiness. That is just gone now.

Some of my family member's don't want to hear it and I can understand that. It is much easier to pretend that death does not exist, that it is not knocking on each and everyone of our doors. BUT, the big but, there it is. It is. We each have to handle these things in our own way and our own time. I think the important thing for to remember is that even though you may not be ready to delve into the emotion of letting someone go, that it is not fair to forbid someone else their process.

Emotions are strong things that should not be bottled up inside to spew forth when you are least ready to handle them. For some I do understand that this is the only way. Others, however need to examine and dissect their emotions, otherwise they may sit and rot and eat away at your very core. I am the type that lays it out come what may. Deal with it head on avoid the surprise later. I know that I will find unexpected (or rather expected) grief at my brother's passing, but I will not hold it in now just so that you can feel comfortable. Don't forget dear loved one that you are loved, but in the end we must each live in our own skin.

How to put things into words.

I have been thinking well on 2 weeks of how to put certain things into words. Life has managed to distract me with extracurricular activities like golf and corporate advancement, alas. I have to address the fact that I have recently talked to my brother about letting go.

The personage that provides his home care(aka Hospice) have determined that it is damn near a miracle that he is hanging on. They say that it is very important that we go through the closure process to let him know that it is ok if he is tired and needs to go. So... I decided to sing.

This has been something that has been inherently my brother's and my thing since I was old enough to remember the words to songs. I would come home from choir practice and sing my faves. Troy always listened, he never turned away when I hit a bad note, he never frowned.

For the talk I decided on "the rose", I know very cliche. He was upset, he turned away, he frowned!! I thought this only more proof he was nearing his time, the old Troy would haver never behaved this way. I told him it was ok, he could let go. I told him about the "better" person I had become because I had him in my life.

To tell the truth he just wasn't having it. So i gave up and sang "boogie woogie bugle boy" And BAM, there it was that smile. THAT SMILE!! Almost as if to say "hey SIS!! have you forgotten that I am here? Sing to me more often dammit! I am not quite ready to go and I'd like to finish this off with the things I love!!"

I can't speak for Troy, I don't even know if his brain is capable of these sorts of complex thoughts. Maybe he isn't asking me if it is ok to go, but rather... "Hey SIS do you think you could talk to me about the world, tell me about your day (because I could never have one like that), sing to me as if there were no tomorrow." Maybe Troy doesn't want to know it's time to go and that it's ok, maybe he just wants to live like there is no tomorrow. If you live like that, it is so much easier to appreciate the song!

No pictures of cake yet, I am so Lazy

I sit here watching CSI in rerun, not that unusual considering most have seen it on their season “whatever” DVD or TIVO or on late night cable. I fall into the latter category. I have just blipped in from Sports Center, which I find a late night necessity when you are trying to get a leg up in this man’s world. Is that a sexist statement, probably so?

I am sitting here avoiding sleep, simply because it avoids work in the morning. So I am going to forgo a writing frenzy in favor of a few hours sleep and the warm body of my spouse. Goodnight CSI I’ll catch you and your flesh eating maggots on the flipside.

Live the life you were meant to live....

If you have 76 minutes to spare this is awesome! I had heard about it a month ago and saw it on Prime Time tonight. Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture"

Slush Puppies ROck!

Well BG turned 5 yesterday. I am not so much in denial as I am disbelief. It was a wonderful day. She started with her very first ballet class, my goodness the cuteness was too much! I then took her and BB to see Nim's Island, SEE IT! It was such a great family movie. It was just myself and the kiddos, they were riveted. Ok, so BB took a 45 minute nap in the middle, but nobody fussed or made a ruckus of any kind. I am sure the cherry slush puppy worked it's own magic. We then headed to my mom's house for the birthday party.

I finished decorating the teddy bear shaped cake (pictures soon) and HD came straight from work. I swear by the time these turtles are 8-9 I will have this cake decorating thing down pat. My bear was AWESOME! Yes I am tooting my own horn, but you can ask anyone, they'll say it was awesome too.

BG got quite the haul, we found some great shirts and a little people doll house (like new) at Thrift Town. We also got her a Disney Princess Bella Dance-a-rella, lefty golf clubs and a shovel & trowel. Auntie broke out the V-Smile which they have been playing all day (Auntie ROCKS!!) Grandma had the sleeper hit with the vanity set and both of my turtles are snuggled up with their new blankets (Barbie Island Princess & Sponge Bob) prospectively, right now.

So it was a great day, I just love that little girl, though she aint so little anymore. Everyone is sleeping now and I am up late watching comcast free movies on demand. I am not ashamed to admit that I am watching Dumbo Drop, good flick. It is inspiring me to finish apocalypse now though.

Hug your mom the next time you see her and give someone in the grocery store line a compliment...pass it on.

PLGC -out

We temporarily interrupt this mommy blog...

We temporarily interrupt this mommy blog for a brief moment of sanity vs. insanity.

So i have been pushing beyond a lot of boundaries lately; Personal, business, art, mommy-hood.

On the personal front: i find myself pushing who I AM. Am I the witness as Ken Wilbur suggests? i think, yes. I observe my daily surroundings but I am not my daily surroundings. I do not live in the Cartesian Dualism that Wilbur purports in his anthology "The Simple Feeling of Being". I am, I AM the witness. I step inside and outside of the dual, the opposite, this IS. My spirituality bounds beyond those celebrated this last Sunday. My spirituality does not exist.

On the business front: my superiors throw quixotic equations that momentarily float above the realm of my brain. i snap, grasp, calculate and breathe a sigh of relief that i can actually sum up the anathema. (thank you CS)

On the art front: i am pissed the FUCK off that I have been in a dentist's office for more days than necessary to deal with a root canal among the other umpteen million things they want to do to my mouth! What has that to do with art you ask? Every, Fucking, Thing. If I am not making my art then I may as well not breathe. Thank goodness that i am being the great I AM as stated above or this Shit would totally knock me off my rocker.

On the mommy front: i love my kids, DID YOU GET THAT? i LOVE 'em!! they are completely obnoxious, utterly adorable, totally interrupt the focus that i try to achieve on a daily basis and (ignoring the serial comma here) love them! Each day proves to me more and more that i need to be who I AM to help them be who they are.

So if you think I am completely nuts, don't write me off just yet. it is simply the creative genius of my right brain cataloging what you and I already know to be true. WOW, you really can compose everything out of nothing, and so on (serial comma included).

PLGC to you all, EVOLVE DAMMIT!

the one where she flips grammar the bird!

I could title this blog how I went from NABLOPOMO to 1 post per month, but I won't. I get home at the end of the day and the last thing I want to do is log into the computer. My ass is up at 5:00am these days to get into the office on time. I leave work drive around for two hours, with a purpose mind you. Drive, pick up the BG, drive, pick up the BB, drive home. Cook dinner, settle the kids down, eat dinner, kids play time/mom art time/clean time/whatever really needs done time. Bedtime business for the kids, the regime of face care for mom. Story time, lights out? Nope the BB usually sticks in as long as possible. I realize this blog doesn't even contain complete let alone grammatically correct sentences.

I want to sit here and write something witty, something that makes you say hey I will come back to read that. BAM! It seems as if I have not done that in a while y'all. I am just so fucking tired lately, and tired of my excuses too. <--look I used a serial comma.

Well I am in the process of getting an attitude adjustment. I really hope that comes with an increase in energy level too. A friend recommended an herbalist that she sees, I am going to call. I need something right now to help my body match the OOMPH going on in my brain. The time is now, if I don't get off my ass soon I will be 10 months closer to 34, SHIT I have got to get his going!

Go to sleep DAMMIT!

My 2 year old is still awake. I guess that could mean I am a bad mom, but I really don't think so. I have pondered the day trying to remember if there was any sugar in it. I can account for my time and affirmatively say, no. He was with Dad for a few and G-ma another few, but they are both pretty aware of my son's reaction to sugar, so. What reaction you ask? Bat-Shit-Crazy! He's not exactly hyperactive just busy. Thus I think I can rule out the evil that is sugar.

CS brought the turtles some glow sticks home since they cleaned their room without a fuss and the kid has been playing with them for two hours straight. I am so getting his ass up early tomorrow, this is not a schedule I am going to make a habit of.

On other fronts the HD and myself are still working and whatnot, but we are coming up on a new sort of crunch! We have gotten a show at a local stomp and they want 35 pieces. So for us that means get your Asses in gear! We have to revamp the website, get some new work going and hopefully earn some extra cash in the process. I am secretly uber excited to have the additional motivation in my life. Oh wait I told y'all so I guess it's not so uber secret.

The band marches on...and on and on.

Up and at 'em

I'm back y'all. Well not tonight, but needless to say i was off-line, now I'm on-line. so when I have wrapped my brain around that, perhaps I'll blog.