Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Treasure & Gratitude

I think my last post came across a little more negatively than I intended. Sleep deprivation and stress can make something very clear to you and then you reread what you've written. So I'll own it, all of it, the negativity and the point that I was really only trying to get across to myself.

Life has been one heck of an adventure these days. I have recently forayed back in to the land of the working mother and it has been quite the challenge. I love my new job but I do not love childcare. Making childcare arrangements specifically! I don't even spend this much money on myself y'all! It has been hard being away from the kiddos so much too and HD! The adventure is spinning past in high speed and I am holding on tight.

On another note I spent the night before last at the emergency room with Embea until midnight. She has a spider bite. It is starting to look a little worse so we're off to get antibiotics and see our pediatrician today. The funny thing is we had a blast! We read books, drew pictures and played hangman. I take my quality interactions where I can and time with my girl always lifts me up!

Both kiddos have adjusted fairly quickly and I think they are behaving pretty well. I am definitely the recipient of more hugs these days and I love the way the jump up and down saying, "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" the minute I walk through the door! That's why I do it, strap on my work boots everyday and head out into the land of the working woman. I want them to feel secure and to be able to be happy kiddos! I am very blessed that I was able to spend most of the summer off with them, we had a grand time.

So there it is in a nutshell and none of it quite so bad. I really am trying to have a positive outlook every day. I am putting my intentions out there and I am getting results. I am ready for more good things to come into my life and I am very grateful for my husband, my children, my family, friends and every other wacky thing in between. So if my last post seemed vent-a-licious, it was. Sometimes you got to get the junk out to allow more space for the treasures.

PLGC & alot of gratitude for any of you who take the time to stop in an read my random musings.

MC -out

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Everybody Poops...

There is a battle that goes on in my mind and with my emotions. I want to be able to feel what I am feeling and act on that. The emotion takes over like a drug filling up my every fiber. Things go haywire, the adrenaline pounds I know, KNOW what I am feeling. Feelings, are they fact or fiction? We walk a fine line day to day in the words we say, the way we act and our final actions involved in those acts. Dar Williams puts it quite nicely ala her Yoko Ono song…” Who am I what is art?”

Who am, I what is Reality!!?? It is the crazy trip and tumble down a rocky path. We scrape our elbows, break our bones and take out any other being in our path. What is it about human nature that leads us to hurt others? Why do we do the stupid things that we do? By the way I just want to wrap the previous sentence up in a pile of doodoo!!

That’s all this is y’all, a bit o’ pomp and circumstance wrapped up tightly in whatever lie we tell ourselves in the moment. It seems that we and by we I mean me, you, err’ fucking body… So what is the lie of the moment that we use to loathe ourselves, the lie that makes us think we are less? We like to throw shit bombs on the porches of our existence.

What have you thrown lately? Me I like to lob them left, right, North and South. The truth is this. It is all shit when you boil it down. If we take a minute to love ourselves and place even one tiny positive thought toward the general vicinity of our lives then things start changing. Sure crappy things still happen, but it’s what you do with the crap that counts. Everybody poops.

Me I am tired of getting bogged down in the muck of my own emotions. I am tired of not taking a step back and then moving 5 steps ahead. I know that it can be done, I do!! My life is just south of Hell right now but just north of being quite alright. I think too much, I feel too hard, I want real, real bad!

Yet in all of this my positives are rearing their positive little heads. I am seeing my light and it is mine. I can’t change you. I can’t change those I love. I can’t even change my 7 year old’s mind when she has it made, but… I can change me. I can affect the things in my thoughts. I can feel my emotions, own them and make informed decisions.

Sure I will admit that half, okay 89.95 percent of the time I just want to wallow, pout, shout and cry. I want to feel sad, be sorry and stay stuck. If I am stuck who’s gonna get me out? If my stuck is sticking you or others that I love, how in the heck am I gonna get out? The bars are thick but they ain’t locked.

They are NOT locked. Stay positive, think positive, live Fucking strong! Yeah all the pretty little euphemisms make me want to puke a little in the back of my mouth too. Yet there might be something to all this positivity. I may be down, low low down but… I am seeing something that wasn’t there before. I wanna drink, cry, hit, pinch, bitch, moan, wallow, wallow, wallow. That’s just not working for me anymore.

It is time to wake up and take a mother fucking whiff of the roses. “Missy is the poo, so take a big whiff!”

PLGC to all of those I have offended and to those of y’all that get me, just a lil bit!