Saturday, April 26, 2008

How to put things into words.

I have been thinking well on 2 weeks of how to put certain things into words. Life has managed to distract me with extracurricular activities like golf and corporate advancement, alas. I have to address the fact that I have recently talked to my brother about letting go.

The personage that provides his home care(aka Hospice) have determined that it is damn near a miracle that he is hanging on. They say that it is very important that we go through the closure process to let him know that it is ok if he is tired and needs to go. So... I decided to sing.

This has been something that has been inherently my brother's and my thing since I was old enough to remember the words to songs. I would come home from choir practice and sing my faves. Troy always listened, he never turned away when I hit a bad note, he never frowned.

For the talk I decided on "the rose", I know very cliche. He was upset, he turned away, he frowned!! I thought this only more proof he was nearing his time, the old Troy would haver never behaved this way. I told him it was ok, he could let go. I told him about the "better" person I had become because I had him in my life.

To tell the truth he just wasn't having it. So i gave up and sang "boogie woogie bugle boy" And BAM, there it was that smile. THAT SMILE!! Almost as if to say "hey SIS!! have you forgotten that I am here? Sing to me more often dammit! I am not quite ready to go and I'd like to finish this off with the things I love!!"

I can't speak for Troy, I don't even know if his brain is capable of these sorts of complex thoughts. Maybe he isn't asking me if it is ok to go, but rather... "Hey SIS do you think you could talk to me about the world, tell me about your day (because I could never have one like that), sing to me as if there were no tomorrow." Maybe Troy doesn't want to know it's time to go and that it's ok, maybe he just wants to live like there is no tomorrow. If you live like that, it is so much easier to appreciate the song!


LceeL said...

Having recently been through a hospice experience with my Father-In-Law and his nine kids and their spouses and offspring, etc., I think you're right in doing what you can to let Troy know that it's O.K. to let go. I don't know, maybe he has decided that by now - this post is several days old - but whatever is going on right now, I know it is hard, and I understand something of what you're feeling. He knows he's been loved, no matter where he is.

Mamacita Caliente said...

Your comment came just at the right time. Thank you.