Sunday, May 04, 2008

in my skin.

The stress levels have been high this week. I am too broke to go to Wild Oats or the Co-Op so I hit the Wal-Mart for some Hyland's Nerve Tonic. Don't judge, Wal-Mart just fits my budget, and I really do need to feed my kids. The Jenny-O ground turkey is a buck fifty eight a pound. You cannot go wrong, anyhoo...

Work has had me up to my eyeballs in the whole mess of trying to figure things out, solve problems, and remain in control. The truth "I am the Master of my own Universe". I can remain calm approach the issue and decide how I am going to handle it, whether that be asking for help or freaking out. So I move forward and choose to forgo the freaking out part.

Since we are speaking so candidly internet, I am feeling selfish. I am at the height of the busiest week I am bound to have this year, as far as work is concerned and my brother is on his death bed. I am so selfish that I thought, please just hold on through this week. I take it back.

I saw my brother tonight, it has been a week or two and he looked so different. His face scrunched in pain just trying to swallow. His flesh seemed molded to his bones like a badly mis-stretched canvas showing every imperfection, every malformation. He is dying. He truly is.

It is a very challenging life growing up with a mentally and physically handicapped brother. Cerebral Palsy doesn't begin to capture the extent of what cards he has actually been dealt. It is the closest diagnosis that the Doctors' could come up with I think. I perused through pictures with my mom, and I saw the difference. The disability has always been there, but so had the health and happiness. That is just gone now.

Some of my family member's don't want to hear it and I can understand that. It is much easier to pretend that death does not exist, that it is not knocking on each and everyone of our doors. BUT, the big but, there it is. It is. We each have to handle these things in our own way and our own time. I think the important thing for to remember is that even though you may not be ready to delve into the emotion of letting someone go, that it is not fair to forbid someone else their process.

Emotions are strong things that should not be bottled up inside to spew forth when you are least ready to handle them. For some I do understand that this is the only way. Others, however need to examine and dissect their emotions, otherwise they may sit and rot and eat away at your very core. I am the type that lays it out come what may. Deal with it head on avoid the surprise later. I know that I will find unexpected (or rather expected) grief at my brother's passing, but I will not hold it in now just so that you can feel comfortable. Don't forget dear loved one that you are loved, but in the end we must each live in our own skin.


LceeL said...

This whole thing has to be hard. My thoughts and prayers stay with you and your brother.

Andrea said...

sorry to hear... must be a really tough situation.

i think writing it down, somehow, seems to help a little.

Paula Manning-Lewis said...

I have been thinking about you a lot the past few days since I first read about your brother in your last post. I am so sorry that your family is having to go thru this. Believe me, I know what you are going thru. Even though my dad passed on suddenly and your brother is going thru a slow painful death. It's still a matter of dealing with grief and so many wonderful memories. I've realized that it is just another lesson of life and another part of growing up and growing old. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, I just haven't figured out that reason,...yet. I hope you will get the chance to work on your art sometime soon, it has been the one thing I've been able to do where I feel like everything is right with the world.

Again, I'm so sorry to read about your brother, he will eventually be free to fly and be in a much better place.

Mamacita Caliente said...

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them. The writing really is a part of my grieving process it. I am the one that likes to dissect and then reassemble the emotions back into words. I think if I did not put it down somewhere then I would perish along with him. Strangely enough after true evaluation I am ok.

LceeL said...

Okay - I can only hold my breath for so long. Are you okay? It's just that you haven't posted - or visited - in some time now. I know you're going through some really hard stuff right now ... I'm sorry if I'm intruding. I'm just a little worried, that's all. About your brother. And about you.