The stress levels have been high this week. I am too broke to go to Wild Oats or the Co-Op so I hit the Wal-Mart for some Hyland's Nerve Tonic. Don't judge, Wal-Mart just fits my budget, and I really do need to feed my kids. The Jenny-O ground turkey is a buck fifty eight a pound. You cannot go wrong, anyhoo...
Work has had me up to my eyeballs in the whole mess of trying to figure things out, solve problems, and remain in control. The truth "I am the Master of my own Universe". I can remain calm approach the issue and decide how I am going to handle it, whether that be asking for help or freaking out. So I move forward and choose to forgo the freaking out part.
Since we are speaking so candidly internet, I am feeling selfish. I am at the height of the busiest week I am bound to have this year, as far as work is concerned and my brother is on his death bed. I am so selfish that I thought, please just hold on through this week. I take it back.
I saw my brother tonight, it has been a week or two and he looked so different. His face scrunched in pain just trying to swallow. His flesh seemed molded to his bones like a badly mis-stretched canvas showing every imperfection, every malformation. He is dying. He truly is.
It is a very challenging life growing up with a mentally and physically handicapped brother. Cerebral Palsy doesn't begin to capture the extent of what cards he has actually been dealt. It is the closest diagnosis that the Doctors' could come up with I think. I perused through pictures with my mom, and I saw the difference. The disability has always been there, but so had the health and happiness. That is just gone now.
Some of my family member's don't want to hear it and I can understand that. It is much easier to pretend that death does not exist, that it is not knocking on each and everyone of our doors. BUT, the big but, there it is. It is. We each have to handle these things in our own way and our own time. I think the important thing for to remember is that even though you may not be ready to delve into the emotion of letting someone go, that it is not fair to forbid someone else their process.
Emotions are strong things that should not be bottled up inside to spew forth when you are least ready to handle them. For some I do understand that this is the only way. Others, however need to examine and dissect their emotions, otherwise they may sit and rot and eat away at your very core. I am the type that lays it out come what may. Deal with it head on avoid the surprise later. I know that I will find unexpected (or rather expected) grief at my brother's passing, but I will not hold it in now just so that you can feel comfortable. Don't forget dear loved one that you are loved, but in the end we must each live in our own skin.