in my skin.

The stress levels have been high this week. I am too broke to go to Wild Oats or the Co-Op so I hit the Wal-Mart for some Hyland's Nerve Tonic. Don't judge, Wal-Mart just fits my budget, and I really do need to feed my kids. The Jenny-O ground turkey is a buck fifty eight a pound. You cannot go wrong, anyhoo...

Work has had me up to my eyeballs in the whole mess of trying to figure things out, solve problems, and remain in control. The truth "I am the Master of my own Universe". I can remain calm approach the issue and decide how I am going to handle it, whether that be asking for help or freaking out. So I move forward and choose to forgo the freaking out part.

Since we are speaking so candidly internet, I am feeling selfish. I am at the height of the busiest week I am bound to have this year, as far as work is concerned and my brother is on his death bed. I am so selfish that I thought, please just hold on through this week. I take it back.

I saw my brother tonight, it has been a week or two and he looked so different. His face scrunched in pain just trying to swallow. His flesh seemed molded to his bones like a badly mis-stretched canvas showing every imperfection, every malformation. He is dying. He truly is.

It is a very challenging life growing up with a mentally and physically handicapped brother. Cerebral Palsy doesn't begin to capture the extent of what cards he has actually been dealt. It is the closest diagnosis that the Doctors' could come up with I think. I perused through pictures with my mom, and I saw the difference. The disability has always been there, but so had the health and happiness. That is just gone now.

Some of my family member's don't want to hear it and I can understand that. It is much easier to pretend that death does not exist, that it is not knocking on each and everyone of our doors. BUT, the big but, there it is. It is. We each have to handle these things in our own way and our own time. I think the important thing for to remember is that even though you may not be ready to delve into the emotion of letting someone go, that it is not fair to forbid someone else their process.

Emotions are strong things that should not be bottled up inside to spew forth when you are least ready to handle them. For some I do understand that this is the only way. Others, however need to examine and dissect their emotions, otherwise they may sit and rot and eat away at your very core. I am the type that lays it out come what may. Deal with it head on avoid the surprise later. I know that I will find unexpected (or rather expected) grief at my brother's passing, but I will not hold it in now just so that you can feel comfortable. Don't forget dear loved one that you are loved, but in the end we must each live in our own skin.

How to put things into words.

I have been thinking well on 2 weeks of how to put certain things into words. Life has managed to distract me with extracurricular activities like golf and corporate advancement, alas. I have to address the fact that I have recently talked to my brother about letting go.

The personage that provides his home care(aka Hospice) have determined that it is damn near a miracle that he is hanging on. They say that it is very important that we go through the closure process to let him know that it is ok if he is tired and needs to go. So... I decided to sing.

This has been something that has been inherently my brother's and my thing since I was old enough to remember the words to songs. I would come home from choir practice and sing my faves. Troy always listened, he never turned away when I hit a bad note, he never frowned.

For the talk I decided on "the rose", I know very cliche. He was upset, he turned away, he frowned!! I thought this only more proof he was nearing his time, the old Troy would haver never behaved this way. I told him it was ok, he could let go. I told him about the "better" person I had become because I had him in my life.

To tell the truth he just wasn't having it. So i gave up and sang "boogie woogie bugle boy" And BAM, there it was that smile. THAT SMILE!! Almost as if to say "hey SIS!! have you forgotten that I am here? Sing to me more often dammit! I am not quite ready to go and I'd like to finish this off with the things I love!!"

I can't speak for Troy, I don't even know if his brain is capable of these sorts of complex thoughts. Maybe he isn't asking me if it is ok to go, but rather... "Hey SIS do you think you could talk to me about the world, tell me about your day (because I could never have one like that), sing to me as if there were no tomorrow." Maybe Troy doesn't want to know it's time to go and that it's ok, maybe he just wants to live like there is no tomorrow. If you live like that, it is so much easier to appreciate the song!

No pictures of cake yet, I am so Lazy

I sit here watching CSI in rerun, not that unusual considering most have seen it on their season “whatever” DVD or TIVO or on late night cable. I fall into the latter category. I have just blipped in from Sports Center, which I find a late night necessity when you are trying to get a leg up in this man’s world. Is that a sexist statement, probably so?

I am sitting here avoiding sleep, simply because it avoids work in the morning. So I am going to forgo a writing frenzy in favor of a few hours sleep and the warm body of my spouse. Goodnight CSI I’ll catch you and your flesh eating maggots on the flipside.

Live the life you were meant to live....

If you have 76 minutes to spare this is awesome! I had heard about it a month ago and saw it on Prime Time tonight. Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture"

Slush Puppies ROck!

Well BG turned 5 yesterday. I am not so much in denial as I am disbelief. It was a wonderful day. She started with her very first ballet class, my goodness the cuteness was too much! I then took her and BB to see Nim's Island, SEE IT! It was such a great family movie. It was just myself and the kiddos, they were riveted. Ok, so BB took a 45 minute nap in the middle, but nobody fussed or made a ruckus of any kind. I am sure the cherry slush puppy worked it's own magic. We then headed to my mom's house for the birthday party.

I finished decorating the teddy bear shaped cake (pictures soon) and HD came straight from work. I swear by the time these turtles are 8-9 I will have this cake decorating thing down pat. My bear was AWESOME! Yes I am tooting my own horn, but you can ask anyone, they'll say it was awesome too.

BG got quite the haul, we found some great shirts and a little people doll house (like new) at Thrift Town. We also got her a Disney Princess Bella Dance-a-rella, lefty golf clubs and a shovel & trowel. Auntie broke out the V-Smile which they have been playing all day (Auntie ROCKS!!) Grandma had the sleeper hit with the vanity set and both of my turtles are snuggled up with their new blankets (Barbie Island Princess & Sponge Bob) prospectively, right now.

So it was a great day, I just love that little girl, though she aint so little anymore. Everyone is sleeping now and I am up late watching comcast free movies on demand. I am not ashamed to admit that I am watching Dumbo Drop, good flick. It is inspiring me to finish apocalypse now though.

Hug your mom the next time you see her and give someone in the grocery store line a compliment...pass it on.

PLGC -out