Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Self reflection, & maybe an expletive

What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I missing some uber secret mommy/wife/female/human gene that allows for good housekeeping and motivation to do such said? Every morning when I wake up I swear that this is the day, this will be the one where I get it all right. Then 8:00 p.m. rolls around, HD is heading home and nothing is done, Again.
I don't even make excuses anymore. I just don't do what I know I need to. I would love to say the kids keep me too occupied, but most of the time they do a pretty good job entertaining each other. I feel like I am always whining in these blogs, like I need to get a life, and entertain you with something more amusing than my shit rabble.
I am completely honored to be a wife and mother, yet I feel like I purposely screw it up on a daily basis. I am asking the hubs to work so that I can stay at home, but thus far I don't feel I have done my part. Anyone out there dealing with this? I know most will think that I am stressed and depressed, but dammit I don't want to hear that. I don't want to make excuses anymore, I just want to pick up the pieces and roll on. It is time to suck it up already! Get your stuff together Mamacita! Get it together.
I feel like I have taken this year long hiatus off into someone else's life. When I was living crazy and irresponsible everything was great, somehow this responsible adult me just isn't getting it. Yeah so maybe I stopped pursuing my loves, and dreams. Maybe I did settle a little to quickly for the easy corporate climb, [a perilous, shit-paying climb at that].
So I am back to making lists, back to planning, back to being a little more me. This week is almost up, and it is time to give myself three things. 1. Get the Kids room cleaned, disinfected, and organized. 2. Create a work space of my own for sculpting, writing, blogging, and painting. 3. Find out how to move forward with the department of Ed. so that I can get back into school (and do what I want).
"I think it is time to be career thinking, not job thinking. " HD said this to me on Sunday night. I had thought that we were career focused but it was not the path that we wanted, we weren't walking in our own shoes. So here we go folks, holding my breath, jumping in, remembering that I am old enough to know how young I really am! Oh, and if I wake up tomorrow morning then I am not dead. PLGC-out

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