Treasure & Gratitude

I think my last post came across a little more negatively than I intended. Sleep deprivation and stress can make something very clear to you and then you reread what you've written. So I'll own it, all of it, the negativity and the point that I was really only trying to get across to myself.

Life has been one heck of an adventure these days. I have recently forayed back in to the land of the working mother and it has been quite the challenge. I love my new job but I do not love childcare. Making childcare arrangements specifically! I don't even spend this much money on myself y'all! It has been hard being away from the kiddos so much too and HD! The adventure is spinning past in high speed and I am holding on tight.

On another note I spent the night before last at the emergency room with Embea until midnight. She has a spider bite. It is starting to look a little worse so we're off to get antibiotics and see our pediatrician today. The funny thing is we had a blast! We read books, drew pictures and played hangman. I take my quality interactions where I can and time with my girl always lifts me up!

Both kiddos have adjusted fairly quickly and I think they are behaving pretty well. I am definitely the recipient of more hugs these days and I love the way the jump up and down saying, "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" the minute I walk through the door! That's why I do it, strap on my work boots everyday and head out into the land of the working woman. I want them to feel secure and to be able to be happy kiddos! I am very blessed that I was able to spend most of the summer off with them, we had a grand time.

So there it is in a nutshell and none of it quite so bad. I really am trying to have a positive outlook every day. I am putting my intentions out there and I am getting results. I am ready for more good things to come into my life and I am very grateful for my husband, my children, my family, friends and every other wacky thing in between. So if my last post seemed vent-a-licious, it was. Sometimes you got to get the junk out to allow more space for the treasures.

PLGC & alot of gratitude for any of you who take the time to stop in an read my random musings.

MC -out

Everybody Poops...

There is a battle that goes on in my mind and with my emotions. I want to be able to feel what I am feeling and act on that. The emotion takes over like a drug filling up my every fiber. Things go haywire, the adrenaline pounds I know, KNOW what I am feeling. Feelings, are they fact or fiction? We walk a fine line day to day in the words we say, the way we act and our final actions involved in those acts. Dar Williams puts it quite nicely ala her Yoko Ono song…” Who am I what is art?”

Who am, I what is Reality!!?? It is the crazy trip and tumble down a rocky path. We scrape our elbows, break our bones and take out any other being in our path. What is it about human nature that leads us to hurt others? Why do we do the stupid things that we do? By the way I just want to wrap the previous sentence up in a pile of doodoo!!

That’s all this is y’all, a bit o’ pomp and circumstance wrapped up tightly in whatever lie we tell ourselves in the moment. It seems that we and by we I mean me, you, err’ fucking body… So what is the lie of the moment that we use to loathe ourselves, the lie that makes us think we are less? We like to throw shit bombs on the porches of our existence.

What have you thrown lately? Me I like to lob them left, right, North and South. The truth is this. It is all shit when you boil it down. If we take a minute to love ourselves and place even one tiny positive thought toward the general vicinity of our lives then things start changing. Sure crappy things still happen, but it’s what you do with the crap that counts. Everybody poops.

Me I am tired of getting bogged down in the muck of my own emotions. I am tired of not taking a step back and then moving 5 steps ahead. I know that it can be done, I do!! My life is just south of Hell right now but just north of being quite alright. I think too much, I feel too hard, I want real, real bad!

Yet in all of this my positives are rearing their positive little heads. I am seeing my light and it is mine. I can’t change you. I can’t change those I love. I can’t even change my 7 year old’s mind when she has it made, but… I can change me. I can affect the things in my thoughts. I can feel my emotions, own them and make informed decisions.

Sure I will admit that half, okay 89.95 percent of the time I just want to wallow, pout, shout and cry. I want to feel sad, be sorry and stay stuck. If I am stuck who’s gonna get me out? If my stuck is sticking you or others that I love, how in the heck am I gonna get out? The bars are thick but they ain’t locked.

They are NOT locked. Stay positive, think positive, live Fucking strong! Yeah all the pretty little euphemisms make me want to puke a little in the back of my mouth too. Yet there might be something to all this positivity. I may be down, low low down but… I am seeing something that wasn’t there before. I wanna drink, cry, hit, pinch, bitch, moan, wallow, wallow, wallow. That’s just not working for me anymore.

It is time to wake up and take a mother fucking whiff of the roses. “Missy is the poo, so take a big whiff!”

PLGC to all of those I have offended and to those of y’all that get me, just a lil bit!

Consideration of Gratitude

reflections on a day...

Along the path we lose our way. Bush and bramble impede us, slowly impatience sets in.
Impatience quickly turns to anger which quickly becomes bitter. We are set upon by fear and move along on a swift binge of self destruction. Little by little our smiles are more forced, then faked, then gone.

Yet...

All it takes is a consideration of gratitude. One moment of thankfulness leads to another. This moment and the next bring a smile to your face. You begin to self reflect. You start to purge the bad habits and choices. You find patience setting in. A path is cleared in front of you. You find that your way was right there in front of you all along.

PLGC loverly internets!

-out

important things...

Sometimes we let life pass us by in a haze of disconnection. Suddenly our children are older, taller, smarter, no longer babies. You find yourself trying to recall the last week, the last month, the last year. Songs are written about how much you will miss this, landslides bring us down.

Tonight EB & I went well past bedtime to hang out and watch Akeelah & the Bee. Sharing this time with her, I realized how often as a parent that I don't listen to my kid. I get so wrapped up in my own emotions and stress that I forget that she is living this life right along with me. She has experiences in her world separate from me, that I take for granted. So I took advantage of some much needed time with my daughter. Hang bedtime, hang the dishes, hang mommy time after the kids are asleep!

We snuggled up on the couch and finished the movie, just her and I. Then as I tucked her into bed I realized she needs more than this, (more than a movie and a soda pop, more than a kiss goodnight see ya in the morning light). So I kissed her and then I told her how beautifully amazing she was. I told her that she was smart, funny and that she could do anything in the world.

As I whispered long overdue encouragements into my daughter's ear I saw her light shine. Her smile grew and her eyes crinkled in just the right way. I looked down and I was so totally and completely in love with my child. I had an instant memory of nursing her when she was just a few days old and how I used to call her my wise little ancient Japanese man. This is how she looked to me then and now, like a monk bestowing infinite wisdom if only I were open enough to receive it. As the words of my song enveloped us both I found peace in that moment. Her eyes drifted shut and her mouth stayed smiling. She is mine and I did not miss this.

I may be waxing philosophical and slightly poetic, but that is why I write here after all. I am going to miss these moments when they are gone. However I will not miss them because I let them pass me by, I will miss them because I took the time to have them. The images of my days old daughter and my seven year old daughter will meld and grow as time passes.

If we take the time to truly listen to our children, to truly experience them and love them for the amazing beings that they are, then we are truly blessed. As adults we weild the power to help shape our child's future, to boost their confidences, to help them live fearlessly and in complete and total love. It is easy to get caught up in the business of being an adult, just one more minute, mommy needs to do this thing or that, yada yada yada. So tonight take a moment, truly and without your own baggage look at your children. Love your children for the amazing beings that they are and will become. Trust me, you will be happy that you did. "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back."

CB & EB digging holes, mama Loves you!

Peace, Love and Green Chile...MC -out

diggin' on crazy.

So anyone interested in obtaining a 4 year old, as is? He has a tendency to growl, yell, talk back, spit, kick you in the shin and run away. He also gives the most amazing heart wrenching hugs and says I love you at least a 100 times a day. Hmmmmmm. On second thought I think I'll keep him. I really do love those hugs.

just look at that smile...

I think back to two years ago when EB was the same age and I don't quite remember This. My little guy & I are together all day long everyday and there are a lot of meltdowns. There are a lot of good times too. He reminds me to play, to have fun. He also gets me damn mad, but I am learning what a gift patience is.

EB is pushing different sorts of buttons these days as well. She will be 7 in two weeks but you'd think she was turning 30. She knows everything, no really just ask her. She has perfected the blank stare and talking back under her breath. I had really hoped I had a few more years before that started to happen. I can't wait until she perfects the eye roll. I was really good at the eye roll, still am, just ask my mother. EB is turning into such a beautiful young lady and the remnants of my baby girl are fading away.

me & my little lady...

I'm not complaining, I kinda dig this crazy ride. I do have a few things in my day that get me through the rough patches. Mommy time outs help. Art, books, exercise and love helps. I have developed a bit of a texting habit. I am online a bit too much. It's like having an instant support team at my whim. I really like late night glasses of wine after the kids are tucked in. Their love helps.

All in all when I start to feel down, when I get a little blue I think about all of those good things and I have a little gratitude. My B-I-L says it best, "Monster through the day and have gratitude not attitude!" He's right. I have wonderful people in my life who love and support me and I have an amazing little family. They drive me effing nuts sometimes but I love them.

...and I am thankful for you, my few lingering readers who stick around for the crazy.

Peace, Love, Green Chile and Gratitude,

MC -out

Uhm hello again 2010, I see your still here.

Hello dear internets. I know that lately I have treated you much like an old pair of shoes. You know the pair, they looked so good on the shelf but never quite fit with any outfit you've ever owned. Yeah that's you and this is me and maybe just maybe I found the right outfit.

I'd love to say that I have spent all of this time bettering my spirit and accomplishing all of those big things that I promised you in my post before last. Some of those things are true. I have have delved into a journey of discovering myself. To tell the truth my dears that journey has led me down a few deep dark holes and I have been clamoring to get out. Lets get brutally honest here, since that's pretty much the point. You and I both know that I love to use this blog as a good swift kick in my own ass. I mean I look kind of funny spinning around my living room trying to reach it and this is much more cathartic for me.

I suck! I am right now Mrs. Sucky McSuckerson of McSuckerville. Yup that's me. There is a pile of clean laundry that has been lying around for I won't tell you how long. My children are watching too much T.V. and playing too many video games. I have sequestered my self in this house with said children, letting them do too much of all the wrong things over the period of a week in early February. My dining room table is covered in crap that doesn't go there and there are dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. This is not me, this is not who I am.

So there are the things that have fallen to the wayside. Yes I know they are all completely fixable and yes they will all be tasks checked off my to do list well before Friday. So my point? I just thought y'all should know that it isn't always home-cooked meals and jelly donuts in Casa de Caliente.

On that note I have quite snapped out of whatever funk I may have been in. I thank y'all dearly for allowing lil' ole me to vent and confess just a little. So I can hear you all asking yourselves So what is GOOD with MC these days. (oh you weren't asking?) Well I don't care because if you've read this far, chances are you'll keep reading and find out.

I am once again in possession of my beloved Mommy Mobile and she, the kids and I have been stepping out. Sure we spent three days in a row at the same beach park, but we had good times.

My kids are in a T.V. and video game recovery program and I am watching episodes of Hoarders on demand to ensure that I do not become one. I decided to do a week long vegetarian detox over two weeks ago and have recently received my copy of The Kind Diet from Amazon. Don't worry I haven't yet forced my carnivorous clan to join in my craze. I have begun an exercise program with Tracy Anderson (well the free webisode until i decide whether or not to order the DVD). I have seriously committed to Thinking about starting running again. I have joined a lovely teleseminar that has really given me a lot of food for thought.

There is new music in my world and it makes me happy. I am reading things beside those old beat up romance novels I lugged along with me from NM. I am thoroughly enjoying my family. My children are turning into phenomenal little metropolitan beings. I am learning to be more independent while HD is out working his full time job and earning his Masters degree.

So those are the things going on in my world in a nutshell. I can't tell you all of my secrets dear internet but those are a few. I can say for certain that my outlook has lifted. I plan on posting much more often and I hope to provide you with a modicum of entertainment value. You can join me for my journey as vegetarian in a meat eating family. There will be recipes, there will be disasters. We'll get candid about the different ways 4 & 6 year old can talk back and how MC is coping with that. You'll discover how and where we fit in family time. I think this is gonna be quite a year my dears.

Peace, Love, Green Chile & Taco Trucks (PLGCTT)

Mamacita -out

Frustration into Fruition & over it...

Once upon a day...

I woke up and ran to Safeway for some coffee because we were out. Out of freaking coffee! Day two of tea was not really gonna be an option, after all I am a United State-ian. My favorite roast from peerless is French roast, so at this point I just need some Effin caffeine!

I digress.

So today was the BIG day. The day where we visit the brand-spanking new Ophthalmologist for EmBea's 4th follow up for her anisometropic amblyopia. Today was apparently a time to delve into the chaos of an over booked Eye Doctor's office.

We signed in, paid our co-pay, checked in with the Optometric technician, had Em's glasses assessed for the script and were assigned to room 3. Our lovely Ophthalmologist was very thorough. She determined that Em's old Rx was obsolete and also that she had developed astigmatism. Many eye drops were administered to dilate EmBea's eyes. She cried, she screamed and I held her eyelids open, Ala clockwork orange. This truly and completely sucked and felt cruel beyond all reason...

Cut to being told that our insurance did not cover refraction. (refraction=the final step of looking at the eyes after dilation -aka all of those effin drops) and that we could skip out or pay an additional $65. I am not a tortuous mommy, I paid up. Then the "primary" O.D. comes in. She then says OH..oh we need to refer you to a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. WTH, seriously what the fricken heck..That is where I thought we were.

Lesson learned. When entering a new state of residence with an amblyopic child ask, ASK..are you a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. Do NOT ask; do you treat children with Amblyopia? If they can, they will say yes and you will find yourself being charged above and beyond your budgeted co-pay.

So am I down, am I upset, am I pissed the eff off? NO. I was a earlier today when I barraged my DH with frantic texts. Now, I am not. It was the honest mistake of a Mama of an Amblyopic child who had thus far had an "easy go". I will never again take for granted the lack of bedside manner of our Doc in Albuquerque.

My advice to any Mama planning a move; double and triple check with your insurance as to what may or may not be covered. Double and triple check with the office that you choose that they cover your child. Pediatric seemed to be the key word in my experience.

Other than that...

I have moved forward. I have a plan, a new Rx for my wee turtle and a fricken positive attitude. We will see the new Pediatric OD soon and EmBea will be wearing her fab new script. We'll rock, Rap and roll with the flow. Until then we are Patching Strong, 4 hours per day and looking to improve even more. Our progress from March 2009 to now..20/200 to 20/60. I have faith and belief that we will succeed and my daughter will beat Amblyopia.

Thanks for allowing me to vent dear internet.

Peace, Love, green Chile and a Taco truck in Oakland.

-out

One Day...

Well it has been a while since I have had an urge to blog. I have enjoyed meandering through the blogiverse finding humor, tragedy, hope and a few things in between. It is strange to be on a journey such as this. I am quickly approaching the age of no return, 35. one month give a couple of days and there I will be, on that precipice of the other side of 30.

I have made big changes this last year. We have moved from the Mountain time zone to the PST without pause. Things seem to be moving in fast forward and slow motion all at the same time. I feel as if I have lived here all of my life. I feel like a stranger in a place I have never before been. I feel like having an adventure. I am on a great adventure!

As I peruse the aisle of preventative aging, my six year old by my side, I realize it is not vanity but necessity that I start to care for my vessel a bit more than I have in the past. As I browse 5k runs in the Bay area I find myself looking instead at the 12k. Why not push it to that next level? As I register my youngest for kindergarten I think, this is it, the beginning anew!

2010, twenty-ten, two thousand ten!! “I’m a driver, I’m a winner, things are gonna change, I can feel it.”

Peace, Love, Taco Trucks, Green Chile and so much more…

Oh and check this out….makes me happy :)(:

-out